Snickiy-snak, Wolvie-berzerker Style

As I stroll along this pleasant road of fatherhood, I am coming to realize certain things about how the universe works in terms of ensuring the survival of the human species. In the book The Happiest Baby On the Block, (by the way, this book is right on for advice, but could have been condensed into a 3 page leaflet) the author mentions that human babies, when viewed against young animals in nature, are not terribly well suited to survival due to thier propensity to scream loudly when scared, hungry, sad, tired, or breathing. While this is true, the author fails to acknoledge that babies in fact posess deadly weapons with which to defend themselves, and that these weapons are always ready to destroy any piece of enemy flesh coming within swinging distance. Thier lack of coordination is not a sign of weakness, but actually a carefully honed set of movements not unlike Durnken Master kung-fu, turning the "hapless" infant into a flailing bringer of death. What are these fearsome weapons, you might wonder? None other than the mighty.....fingernails.

You might tink I'm joking, but I'm not. Beby fingernails can slice through any substance known to man. And unlike other really, really sharp objects I've have cone into contact with (and I've done so plenty of times) it really frickin' hurts when you get sliced by one of these things. Aidan was sleeping on my chest last night, and he grabbed the collar of my shirt. It was like an electric shock straight to my collarbone-- instant burning pain. I'm absolutely amazed that his face isn't a constant bleeding mess from those things... if this keeps up, he's going to be horribly disfigured by the time he's 5.

And you know, I would really love to remedy this situation by cutting his fingernails (which any sane person is probably thinking I should do)...but you know what, Mr. Smug Sane-Person? YOU try to cut'em. It's like trying to snip a single stray thread with an a-bomb. Everyone involved knows there is no way I'd going to avoid taking off something extra, like his finger up to the first knuckle. I'm seriously considering making up fake illnesses so that I can take him to the doctor to be checked out...and while I'm there, I can casually request them to give him a trim, as long as I happen to be in the area. Mom is also struggling with this, and thus far has been unable to bring herself to wield the clippers, instead preferring to very carefully..... rip them off.

How exaclty did the hospital let us leave with him again?