House Rules

I've noticed that since Aidan has hit full-blown toddler status, I've been keeping a list of mental rules for dealing with various situations. Last night it hit me-- these rules aren't just applicable to him, or even toddlers in general. Here, for the first time, I present them as a model which I feel could be used to great effect if implemented as standing US foreign policy guidelines.

1. We WILL negotiate with toddlers.
Contrary to popular belief, negotiation is a valid tactic when used with a bit of common sense. A hardline stance against negotiation serves only to foster deadlocks and resentment; by negotiating with the little guy, he can begin to understand that most situations have an outcome which is agreeable to all parties. Of course, he can't really respond verbally, but it's clear that he understands most of what's going on. However....

2. Negotiation will not work, however well intended, during a screaming fit.
This goes for both he AND I. The first step to successful communication involves getting everyone calm...or, in his case, calmer-ER. Because, well, it's really hard to hear someone else when you're screaming your lungs out.

3. If negotiations break down, it is safe to ACT like you are ignoring the situation.
Let's face it: at the end of the day, I'm bigger, stronger, and have way more willpower (contrary to what my wife may believe). So I can outlast and deal with anything he has to throw at me, from screaming to throwing things to tears. Note the important qualifier in the statement:act. At no time am I actually ignoring what he's doing, because I love him and I don't want him to hurt himself or break something. But he doesn't know that, and eventually he will tire of yelling/crying/throwing and come over to see me for "negotiations"...or for comfort, or maybe he'll even go find something else to amuse himself. In any of these situations, I win.

4. Pacifiers are just that: pacifiers.
It is the easiest thing in the world to pop a binky in his mouth when he's having a meltdown...but not the smartest. All that serves to do is PERHAPS quiet him a little. He's still angry and will likely carry on doing whatever he was doing before. Pacifiers are not a long term solution and shouldn't be used as such.

5. "Time out" doesn't mean anything to someone who fails to grasp the concept of right and wrong.
Yeah, obvious, I know...but true. He's too little to know why we're telling him not to do things, and in time he will understand. For now, though, this is cruel and unnecessary punishment. And that's bad, m'kay?

So those are pretty much my current 5 golden rules. They have changed somewhat....when he was first born, for example they were more along the lines of "Don't shake the baby", or "Waking up a baby is really, really stupid so don't so it", and the ever popular "The one who is holding the baby when the poopsplosion occurs is by law required to change the diaper." That last one was always my personal favorite.

Post Holiday Report

Ah, January. The end of the holiday season is here, and it's time to look back at all the fun we had. Instead of the typical boring holiday recap, I'll instead be using a report card format to grade how wonderful Christmas and New year were...and how Aidan reacted to the first Christmas he could *kind of* understand.

Decorating: A
Although we got the tree up a little bit late (ok, a lot late...like a week before Christmas) Aidan didn't rip a single ornament off. Actually, I don't think he noticed the tree at all, and if he did, I'm pretty sure it was only to wonder why the hell there was a tree inside the house. Furthermore, he showed a strong love of something very near and dear to my heart-- tacky Christmas decorations. In particular, he went nuts over the foot-and-a-half tall saxophone-playing Santa we have. There's a button on the base to push to hear him play 3 different song (and yes, he's animatroic too--bonus) that he pushed over and over with glee. I don't think we ever heard a full song though,l as he would get excited and press it again.

Holiday Spirit: B
Christmas lights are like CRACK to toddlers. Every night we would show him the lights outside, and he never got tired of it. It took him awhile, but he also managed to figure out that when someone handed him a present that there was probably something really good inside, and the most effective way to get to it was to tear large hunks of paper off. He gets bonus points for again displaying more interesting what was inside the package rather than the stupid wrapping paper....but he loses points for refusing to leave the Santa hat we got him on his head, and for making taking his holiday photo for our Christmas cards more difficult than wrestling a rhinoceros to give it an enema.

Stamina: A+
We drug the poor kid all over creation this year, and he every time he slept the whole way to our destinations in the car with nary a peep. The one time he did peep, it wasn't a "PEEEP! PEEP PEEP PEEP PEEEEEEEEEEEEP!", but more of a "Peep. Peep peep? Peep peep peep. (chuckle) Peep." He met a lot of new relatives (well, new to him) and was very unafraid of everyone, even the old ladies that cackled over him like he was a particularly succulent piece of peanut brittle.

Gift giving: C
Now don't get all pissy before you read the rest of this and accuse me of being ungrateful for the presents he gave me because he's too young to pick anything good. Because it's not true-- he gave awesome gifts. I got my first loud Christmas tie, and some nice bedtime apparel including a nice fluffy robe. Hell, the only thing he left out were the pipe and slippers. But he gave ONE gift, one truly HORRIBLE gift, and for that he loses a lot of points. Specifically, he wasn't feeling well, having caught a minor stomach bug. But true to form, he was still pretty chipper after the initial tiredness, and as such was roaming about, playing his usual games. One night he was in the kitchen, flicking the light switch on the humidifier on and off, when he decided to go that extra mile to give a truly unique gift. Yeah, that's right. He threw up INTO the humidifier fan. Can you say "messy"? I think you can. And he is well past the point where baby vomit doesn't offend-- this stuff was n-a-s-t-y. Thankfully, Mom turned the fan off right away so I didn't have to spend hours scraping chunks off the walls, ceiling, and cats, but still....not cool man, not cool. I had to disassemble the whole thing and clean the yark off of all the parts. At least he didn't manage to get any in the motor. But trust me when I say the smell of toddler puke and WD-40 is not really something I'd wear as cologne.

So there you have it....I think that makes his average a B+, but he made a good effort so I'm grading on a curve and knocking that up to a solid A+. All in all, it was a very successful holiday season, and we're looking forward to next year being even more fun.

And hopefully, less vomit-tastic.