Yet Another Use for Babies

Well, Christmastime is upon us once again. I'm demanding that last year's Christmas doesn't count, and that this one be recognized as Aidan's first one. It's only fair, really-- last year he was only a month old and didn't even speak English. This year...er, well, he still can't speak English, but at least he knows what's going on, even if he doesn't understand why there's a white, wire-framed reindeer in our front lawn covered in lights that looks like it's crippled at night because the back legs are out. But I digress.

Since 'tis the season, naturally there's been a good deal of shopping going on. And Aidan has proved himself invaluable for navigating the holiday minefield I call "the mall". Because he's naturally a chipper, sunshine covered little angel, he has two unique abilities that makes shopping much less painful than it otherwise might be. First of all, the kid is absolutely bulletproof when it comes to those annoying booth vendors in the middle of the mall. You know, the ones who claim to have special sea salt direct from Jesus' kitchen that can cure world hunger and give you soft skin at the same time if you'd only rub a bit of it on your hands sir please just stop a moment and marvel it makes a great gift and all at the low low cost of $39.95 but for you only $19.95 because I can see you're a nice person. In other words, the first people I would line up and shoot if I were ever in charge of a holiday revolution. Normally these people are attracted to me like a magnet, but when I have Aidan in his stroller (or better yet, am carrying him) they just smile and wave at him, never bothering to give me a second glance. I can walk in circles around them with $20 bills practically falling out of my pockets, and they never flinch. It's the closest thing I can imagine to being invisible. In short, it is pure awesome , and I wish I could bottle and sell it (if I ever do, it will be for $15.95 but that's the lowest I'll go and only because you seem like a nice person.)

The second ability he has is a little thing I like to call "being Moses." To understand, try this experiment: go find a child, preferably under 2 years old and preferably yours (although nieces, nephews, and cousins are also acceptable) and strap them into a stroller. Do whatever you need to in order to make them look simultaneously innocent and cute and maybe even a little sleepy. Then head to the mall. Find a big crown, or a long line, and approach the first woman you see who is facing away from you. Here's the only catch-- you need to jump-start this particular power by saying in an almost timid voice"Excuse me". No doubt they'll turn around with a look of utter loathing on their face, because they've probably been in line or in this crowd almost as long as the child you have with you has been alive, and they're sure as hell not going to give any ground to a sniveling little punk like...oh, look at the little angel! Yeah, that's right. BOO-YAH, on comes the kid's charm. And the crowd parts like the Red Sea...that woman will move, and likely tap, grab, or verbally alert the next nearest person that you have a stroller with an adorable little kid in it and need to get through. I know, I know, you don't believe me, but it's true and it WORKS.

So remember, you heard it here first-- this year's hottest Christmas accessory is my son in a stroller.